10 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship— and What to Do About Each One
By Dr. Prerna Kohli | Marriage Counsellor & Clinical Psychologist, Gurugram | Updated June 2026
An unhealthy relationship is not simply a difficult one. All relationships go through difficult periods— conflict, distance, disconnection, periods of reduced intimacy. These are normal features of any long-term partnership between two imperfect people.
An unhealthy relationship is one where difficulty has become structural— where specific patterns of behaviour are consistently present, consistently damaging, and consistently unaddressed. Where at least one partner is being made smaller, less safe, or less themselves by the relationship that should be supporting their growth.
The signs below are not a checklist for leaving. They are a clinical guide to seeing clearly— because the first and most important step in addressing an unhealthy relationship is naming what is actually happening in it.
The most reliable indicator of an unhealthy relationship is not any single behaviour— it is what the relationship does to your sense of self over time. A healthy relationship expands you. It makes you feel more capable, more known, more at ease with who you are. An unhealthy relationship contracts you. It makes you smaller, more anxious, more uncertain of your own perceptions. If you have been in a relationship for years and feel less yourself than when you entered it, that is the signal that deserves your attention.Dr. Prerna Kohli, PhD— Marriage Counsellor & Clinical Psychologist, Gurugram
The 10 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship— and What Each One Means
Chronic Dishonesty and Deception
Dishonesty in a relationship is not only about dramatic lies. It includes the persistent management of information— telling partial truths, concealing significant facts, creating false impressions through omission. Over time, a relationship built on incomplete honesty develops a quality of unreality: one partner is relating to a version of the other that has been curated rather than revealed.
The damage of chronic dishonesty is not primarily the content of the lies. It is what they do to the deceived partner's ability to trust their own perceptions— and to the relationship's capacity for genuine intimacy, which requires authentic self-disclosure from both partners.
Controlling Behaviour and Erosion of Autonomy
Control in a relationship exists on a spectrum— from mild boundary-setting to severe coercive control. At its more severe end, it includes monitoring a partner's movements, restricting access to money, dictating clothing or social choices, and using jealousy as justification for surveillance. At its milder end, it manifests as persistent pressure, emotional consequences for independent choices, and the gradual narrowing of the partner's sense of what they are permitted to do or be.
Controlling behaviour is frequently framed as love, concern, or protectiveness— particularly in Indian cultural contexts where possessiveness is sometimes normalised as devotion. The distinction is important: genuine love supports the partner's autonomy and individual flourishing. Control suppresses it.
Contempt— The Most Dangerous Communication Pattern
Contempt is the communication of superiority over a partner— expressed through mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, dismissiveness, or a persistent tone of moral or intellectual disdain. It is qualitatively different from criticism (which addresses a specific behaviour) because it attacks the person's fundamental worth.
Gottman's research identifies contempt as the single strongest predictor of relationship dissolution— more predictive than infidelity, financial stress, or any other single factor. When contempt becomes a routine feature of a relationship, the basic respect that makes repair possible has been eroded. No couple can rebuild while contempt is present.
Emotional or Physical Abuse
Abuse in relationships takes many forms, not all of which are immediately recognisable as such. Physical abuse is the most visible— but emotional abuse, which includes persistent criticism, humiliation, gaslighting, threats, isolation, and the systematic erosion of the partner's confidence and self-perception, is at least as psychologically damaging and often more enduring in its effects.
A particularly important form to name explicitly is gaslighting— the pattern by which a partner causes you to doubt your own perception of events, your own feelings, and ultimately your own sanity. People experiencing gaslighting frequently describe a pervasive sense of confusion and self-doubt, often wondering whether they are "too sensitive" or "imagining things." They are not.
Chronic Emotional Neglect
Emotional neglect is the consistent failure to notice, acknowledge, or respond to a partner's emotional experience. It is not cruelty— it is absence. A partner who is physically present but emotionally unavailable, who does not ask how you are feeling, who does not notice when you are distressed, who responds to emotional disclosure with a change of subject or practical problem-solving— this is emotional neglect.
The particular damage of emotional neglect is that it produces the same psychological wound as active rejection, while being far harder to name. The neglected partner frequently internalises the neglect as evidence of their own unimportance— "My feelings don't matter to them"— rather than as a characteristic of the other person's emotional limitations.
Persistent Disrespect
Respect in a relationship is not merely politeness. It is the baseline recognition that your partner is a full person— with legitimate needs, valid perspectives, and inherent worth— regardless of whether you agree with their choices or opinions. Persistent disrespect manifests as dismissing a partner's views, belittling their concerns, making significant decisions without consulting them, or treating their needs as less important than your own as a matter of consistent practice.
In Indian marriages, disrespect is frequently directed at wives through the in-law dynamic— where the husband's failure to protect the wife from disrespect by his family constitutes its own form of relational harm, even when he is not personally disrespectful.
Erosion of Trust
Trust erodes in two ways: dramatically, through a specific betrayal; and gradually, through the accumulation of small broken commitments, inconsistencies between words and actions, and the growing sense that your partner is not reliably who they present themselves to be. The gradual erosion is often the more damaging, because it is harder to point to— and because the eroding partner often minimises each individual incident without recognising the cumulative pattern.
An important indicator of eroded trust is hypervigilance— the state of perpetual alertness, scanning for evidence of further betrayal, that develops when a person no longer feels safe with their partner. Hypervigilance is exhausting, and it is a sign that the relationship is currently providing more threat than safety.
Communication That Consistently Fails
Communication breakdown is the presenting issue in the majority of couples who seek counselling— but it is rarely simply about how partners talk to each other. Persistent communication failure is usually a symptom of an underlying dynamic: insufficient emotional safety, unaddressed power imbalances, accumulated resentment that colours every exchange, or the presence of contempt that makes genuine listening impossible.
The most reliable sign of dysfunctional communication is this: both partners regularly end conversations feeling worse than when they started. If talking about problems consistently produces more conflict rather than any movement toward understanding, the communication pattern itself has become part of the problem.
Accumulated Resentment
Resentment is the emotional residue of grievances that were never adequately addressed— hurts that were minimised, apologies that were not forthcoming, inequities that were accepted but never truly accepted. It accumulates silently, below the level of active conflict, and expresses itself as chronic irritability, emotional withdrawal, disproportionate reactions to minor provocations, and a pervasive sense of injustice that colours the entire relationship.
What makes resentment particularly corrosive is that it is self-reinforcing. A resentful partner interprets their spouse's behaviour through a negative lens, finds confirming evidence everywhere, and becomes progressively less capable of the generosity of interpretation that healthy relationships require.
Codependency and Loss of Individual Identity
Codependency is the pattern in which one or both partners' sense of self becomes so entangled with the relationship that individual identity is effectively lost. The codependent partner defines themselves primarily through the relationship, regulates their own emotional state primarily through the other's mood, and has effectively outsourced their internal life to the partnership.
Codependency feels like deep love from the inside. It is often framed as devotion, sacrifice, or commitment. But it is not a healthy form of love— it is a form of self-abandonment that ultimately creates dependency, resentment, and the progressive erosion of the self that any meaningful relationship requires two of.
"She came to me alone, initially. She described herself as 'sensitive'— her husband's word— and wondered whether she was overreacting to things that other wives simply accepted. Over our first session, she described: a husband who checked her phone regularly, who made dismissive comments about her opinions in front of family, who withdrew affection for days at a time when she disagreed with him, and who had, over six years, gradually reduced her social circle to almost nothing."
"She had not named any of this as a pattern. Each incident had been processed individually— explained, minimised, accepted. It was only when she heard it back, in sequence, that she saw it clearly. She said: 'When you put it like that, it sounds terrible. But it never felt terrible— it just felt like my life.' That is one of the most important things I have learned in two decades of clinical practice: unhealthy relationships rarely feel dramatic from the inside. They feel like normal, like this is simply how marriage works. Which is precisely why naming them is so important."
Unhealthy Relationship Patterns in the Indian Context
Why These Signs Are Harder to Recognise— and Name— in India
Cultural normalisation. Several of the patterns described above are so common in Indian marriages that they have been normalised as simply "how things are." Controlling behaviour is frequently framed as protection or devotion. Emotional neglect is framed as the husband's right to privacy or introversion. Disrespect through the in-law dynamic is framed as family harmony. When a behaviour is normalised by everyone around you, it becomes extraordinarily difficult to identify as problematic.
The adjustment imperative. Indian women in particular are socialised from childhood to "adjust"— to manage their own discomfort, accept their partner's behaviour, and prioritise family harmony above personal wellbeing. This socialisation makes it very hard to identify when adjustment has crossed into self-harm, and even harder to act on that recognition once it occurs.
Stigma and isolation. The social stigma around discussing marital problems— even with close family— means that many people in unhealthy relationships have no external reference point for what is and is not acceptable. They have no one to tell them that what they are experiencing is not normal, not inevitable, and not their fault.
Financial dependency. For women who are financially dependent on a spouse, the practical barriers to addressing or leaving an unhealthy relationship are enormous. Recognising the signs of an unhealthy relationship does not automatically produce the capacity to address it— which is why professional support that accounts for the full context, not just the relationship dynamics, is essential.
The women who come to me having spent years in unhealthy relationships almost always say the same thing: "I knew something was wrong, but I didn't trust what I knew." They had been told they were too sensitive, too demanding, too negative. They had internalised those labels and used them to dismiss their own accurate perceptions. My first job, with many of these women, is simply to confirm what they already knew: that their perceptions were correct, and that their responses were proportionate. That confirmation— that they were not imagining it— is often the most therapeutically significant moment in the entire process.Dr. Prerna Kohli, PhD— Marriage Counsellor & Clinical Psychologist, Gurugram
The Difference Between Difficult and Unhealthy— and When to Seek Help
Every relationship has difficult periods. Conflict, distance, reduced intimacy, periods of profound frustration with a partner— these are not signs of an unhealthy relationship. They are features of any honest long-term partnership between two real people with different needs and histories.
The distinction I draw clinically is this: a difficult relationship is one where both partners are struggling but still fundamentally safe, respected, and committed to each other's wellbeing. An unhealthy relationship is one where specific patterns— control, contempt, deception, emotional harm, persistent neglect— are recurring without acknowledgement or meaningful effort to change.
The appropriate moment to seek professional support is when you recognise more than two or three of the signs above as recurring patterns in your relationship— not isolated incidents, but consistent features. And the most important thing I can tell you about that moment is: do not wait for it to get worse. The further a relationship travels down these paths, the harder the work of repair becomes— and the more of yourself you lose in the process.
Seeking help for an unhealthy relationship is not an act of giving up on it. It is an act of taking it seriously enough to give it a genuine chance. The couples and individuals who wait until the relationship is in complete crisis, or until one partner has already disengaged emotionally, are asking therapy to do much more than therapy is designed to do. Come when there is still something to save— and when you still have enough of yourself intact to do the work of saving it.Dr. Prerna Kohli, PhD— Marriage Counsellor & Clinical Psychologist, Gurugram
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the signs of an unhealthy relationship?
According to Dr. Prerna Kohli, the ten most clinically significant signs are: chronic dishonesty and deception; controlling behaviour and erosion of autonomy; contempt expressed through mockery or disrespect; emotional or physical abuse; persistent emotional neglect; erosion of trust; communication breakdown; accumulated unresolved resentment; codependency and loss of individual identity; and the persistent feeling that the relationship makes you smaller as a person rather than supporting your growth.
What is the difference between a difficult relationship and an unhealthy one?
As Dr. Prerna Kohli explains: "All relationships go through difficult periods— conflict, distance, periods of reduced intimacy. A difficult relationship is one where both partners are experiencing friction but remain fundamentally safe, respected, and committed to each other's wellbeing. An unhealthy relationship is one where patterns of control, contempt, dishonesty, or emotional harm are recurring and unaddressed— and where at least one partner is being diminished rather than supported by the relationship." The key question is not whether the relationship is hard, but whether it is safe.
Can an unhealthy relationship be fixed?
Many unhealthy relationship patterns can be addressed and reversed with professional support— particularly when both partners recognise the problem and are genuinely willing to change. Communication breakdown, resentment, codependency, trust deficits, and emotional neglect all respond well to couples therapy when both partners engage sincerely. Patterns involving abuse require individual assessment before couples work— in these cases, the safety of the affected partner is the primary consideration.
What is emotional abuse in a relationship and how do I recognise it?
Emotional abuse is a pattern of behaviour designed to control, undermine, or destabilise a partner's sense of self. It includes persistent criticism and humiliation, gaslighting (causing the partner to doubt their own perception of reality), threats and intimidation, isolation from friends and family, withholding affection as punishment, and the systematic erosion of confidence and autonomy. Dr. Prerna Kohli notes that emotional abuse is at least as psychologically damaging as physical abuse— and often more lasting, because it produces no physical evidence and conditions the victim to doubt their own perceptions.
When should I seek professional help for an unhealthy relationship?
Dr. Prerna Kohli recommends seeking professional support when the same conflicts recur without resolution; when one or both partners feel consistently unsafe, disrespected, or unheard; when patterns of control, manipulation, or emotional harm are present; when the relationship has produced significant anxiety, depression, or erosion of self-worth; or when attempts to address problems independently have not produced change. The most common mistake is waiting too long— allowing patterns to become so entrenched that the goodwill required for repair has been exhausted.
You Deserve a Relationship That Makes You More Yourself, Not Less
A healthy relationship is not one without conflict, without difficulty, or without the ordinary friction of two different people sharing a life. It is one where both partners feel fundamentally safe, genuinely respected, and consistently supported in being fully themselves.
If you are reading this article and recognising your own relationship in these signs— trust that recognition. Not because it means the relationship is over, but because it means the relationship deserves honest attention. The patterns described here can, in most cases, be addressed. But only if they are seen clearly first.
Recognising These Signs in Your Relationship?
Whether you are trying to understand what is happening in your relationship, deciding whether to address it, or ready to begin the work of repair— I offer confidential, non-judgmental support from my practice in Gurugram. Online sessions available across India and internationally.
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About the author — Dr. Prerna Kohli
Dr. Prerna Kohli is a clinical psychologist with over 30 years of practice, based in Gurugram. She holds a PhD from Aligarh Muslim University, where she was a four-time gold medalist, and received the “100 Women Achievers of India” award from the President of India in 2016. A TEDx speaker and published author, she works with individuals, couples, and families through her private practice — in-clinic in Gurugram and online worldwide — with a particular speciality in NRI mental health.