Calling Off an Engagement in India: How to Decide and How to Do It
Doubt versus cold feet, the sunk costs that keep people walking down the aisle, how to tell the parents and the other family, and what an individual assessment can offer before you decide.
Should you call it off?
Calling off an engagement in India is rarely about the couple alone; it involves two families, money already spent and a wedding date that has become a deadline. The decision is still yours. Some anxieties ease with time and conversation, while persistent concerns about trust, compatibility or safety deserve closer assessment before you decide.
In my experience, it helps to examine a doubt before the wedding rather than hope it will disappear afterwards. Many of the people I see later describe doubts they set aside.Dr. Prerna Kohli
The invitations are printed, or nearly. Your parents have told the extended family. His parents have booked the venue, and someone has already bought the jewellery. And you are awake at two in the morning wondering whether you can do this, feeling that the moment to say so passed weeks ago.
It didn't. In my experience engagements are broken more often than families admit, and speaking before the wedding is usually easier to manage than speaking after it. The decision is easier to examine when you separate your concerns about the relationship from the money and family pressure around the wedding. This is written for both of you, because the person with doubts is not always the woman.
Doubt, or cold feet?
Hesitation before marrying is common, and the research suggests it is worth listening to rather than dismissing. A useful question is not whether you have doubts but what they are about.
Cold feet often involves the wedding and the change: the loss of independence, the size of the commitment, the fear of getting it wrong, the strangeness of a new family. In my experience it tends to come and go, and it often eases when you spend unhurried time with your partner. Some doubts are about the person: something you have noticed in how they treat you, their family, waiters, money or the truth, that you keep explaining away. These tend to return, and conversation about them can end in a fight or in a reassurance that doesn't hold. The two overlap, and no list can sort them reliably, which is what an individual assessment is for.
What the research says about doubt
Sources: Lavner, Karney and Bradbury, Journal of Family Psychology (2012), 232 couples in Los Angeles; Carroll and Doherty, Family Relations (2003), a meta-analysis of premarital programmes, with the more cautious findings of Fawcett et al., Family Relations (2010). The doubt data come from a US newlywed sample, asked one retrospective yes/no question, and the programme data from mostly Western premarital-education research; they are used here for direction, not as rates for Indian engagements or for individual clinical sessions.
The finding worth sitting with is that doubt was common and was not harmless. Participants were asked one question, whether they had ever been uncertain or hesitant, so the study cannot tell ordinary nerves from serious concerns about a partner, and most of those couples were still married four years on. But those who reported doubts generally described lower marital satisfaction, which is a reason to examine a doubt rather than hope it goes. If yours keeps returning, this is the moment to take it seriously, not the wedding night.
The sunk costs, and what they are really costing
Some people go ahead despite serious doubts because it feels too late. The money has been spent, the families have been told, the date is fixed, and calling it off would waste all of it and humiliate everyone. That is the sunk-cost trap, and it deserves to be named. In my experience, some of the people I see in a marriage that troubles them describe having set aside serious concerns because they felt unable to stop the wedding.
- The money. Venue deposits, jewellery, clothes, invitations. Real, and sometimes recoverable in part. Set it against the cost of staying in a marriage that does not work, which is measured in years.
- The face. What people will say. How long people talk varies between families and communities.
- The parents. Their disappointment, their fear, the explanations they will have to give. This one is real and it matters, but it does not override your right to make an informed decision about your own marriage.
- The other family. Their hurt, their anger, the possibility that they will say unkind things. Also real. An honest ending now may be kinder to their son or daughter than a marriage one side did not want, though they may not see it that way at first.
- The time. Your age, the market, the fear that there won't be another match. This fear can be real, particularly for women facing age and family pressure. It is a practical worry, and it does not by itself show that this engagement is right for you.
None of these alone is a reason to marry. They are reasons the decision is hard, which is different. The wedding is not the last chance to avoid the marriage, but it is usually the cheapest one.
If you are not sure which kind of doubt you have, cold feet before marriage: normal nerves or a warning sign? offers more questions to reflect on. If uncertainty persists, or safety is a concern, an individual consultation can give you a more personal assessment.
How to Decide Whether to Call Off an Engagement
The decision is usually easier to make well in this order: first the doubt, then the conversation with your partner where that is safe, then the families. In my experience many people reverse it, telling their mother before they have understood their own hesitation, and the family's reaction then decides the matter for them.
- Write the doubt down, specifically. Not "I'm not sure" but what you have seen and when. Writing it down can help you see it, but the length of the list does not decide how serious it is; fear and distress are not always easy to put into words.
- Test it against time, not against reassurance. Spend unhurried, ordinary time with your partner, without the wedding in the room, where that is safe. This may help clarify your feelings, though uncertainty does not always resolve on its own.
- Where it is safe, tell your partner plainly. Not as an accusation and not as an ultimatum. "I have doubts and I need us to talk about them before the wedding" is one way to begin a difficult conversation in a safe relationship. How they respond is information, though not the only information. If you fear intimidation, retaliation or violence, get individual support and make a safety plan before you say anything.
- Get one outside view that isn't a relative. A trusted friend can give you an honest opinion. A psychologist does something different: assesses whether this is wedding anxiety, a concern about the relationship or pressure from family, and helps you plan a safe next step. Relatives have a stake in the wedding; you need someone with a stake in you.
- Decide before you tell the families. The moment parents are involved, the decision becomes about them. Know what you want, or at least know that you want more time, before anyone's mother is in the conversation.
Two outcomes are legitimate here that people forget. One is postponement: a date moved by a period that suits the circumstances, with a reason that is true and doesn't name anyone, can give a couple with nerves the time they need and a couple with doubts room to see more clearly. The other is a conditional continuation: you go ahead, having said the doubt aloud and been heard, with a specific change in place. The option I would be most cautious about is going ahead having said nothing, which in my experience is what many people do.
How to tell your parents
Where it is safe, speak to your own parents first, in private, before the other family knows anything. If you fear pressure, threats or retaliation, ask someone you trust to support you. Lead with the decision, not the debate: "I have decided not to go ahead" or "I need the wedding postponed" is where to start, because parents who are given a doubt to argue with often will. Give a reason that is true and that you can live with them repeating, and accept that their first reaction will be about them: the money, the relatives, what they will say. That is often shock rather than a final verdict. Let it pass before you discuss anything practical.
Expect pressure, which may escalate before it eases: the money already spent, the shame, the aunt who will never recover, the suggestion that every match has flaws. Hold the decision through it where you can, warmly and consistently. Clear, respectful communication helps some parents adjust, but reactions vary, and parents who are given an opening often reopen the question. If the pressure turns into threats or harassment, that is not ordinary disagreement; seek support, and contact your local emergency services if you are in danger.
How to tell the other family
Where it is safe, your partner should hear it from you before the families communicate formally; the safest sequence depends on the circumstances. In an ordinary separation the order matters. A fiancé who learns from his parents that his engagement is over has been humiliated twice, once by the ending and once by the manner, and that can leave lasting bitterness between families. If you fear your partner's reaction, arrange the sequence with support instead.
Keep the explanation short, honest and kind. You do not owe them the detail, and detail invites negotiation. For gifts, jewellery, expenses or other financial obligations, take advice from a lawyer before deciding what to return. You may meet hurt and anger in the first weeks; some of it is grief and embarrassment, and you do not have to answer it, but set boundaries and do not tolerate threats, harassment or intimidation. Some families rebuild cordial relations and others stay estranged, and it is hard to predict which.
The list she couldn't argue with
A woman in her late twenties came to me for what she called wedding anxiety. Her engagement had been arranged six months earlier, the families were delighted, and she had spent the last two months unable to sleep. She wanted help managing the nerves. I asked her to write down, specifically, what she was nervous about.
The page she brought to the next session was not about the wedding. It was about her fiancé: how he spoke to his mother, a lie about money she had caught and let go, an evening when he had frightened her and then laughed. She had known, and had been treating the knowing as a problem with herself. Because he had frightened her once, we planned how she would raise it, and who would be with her, before she did. She postponed the wedding, told her parents the truth, and ended the engagement two months later. Her parents were angry for a season. She describes the year that followed as the first in which she trusted her own judgement.
Composite illustration; not a real client.
Two things this article does not cover. If your doubt is about a partner's anger, control or violence, it is not a matter of nerves. Seek individual professional support and plan any separation carefully, because leaving can itself be a time of higher risk. Contact your local emergency services if you are in immediate danger. And questions about returned gifts, money spent by either family or anything with a legal dimension belong with a lawyer, not a psychologist.
What premarital counselling offers
Premarital counselling is not a test the couple passes or fails, and it is not a place where a psychologist decides whether you should marry. Where both of you can take part safely, it is a structured way to have the conversations the wedding preparations have crowded out: money, in-laws, children, sex, work, faith, how you fight and how you make up. In my experience some couples find that reassuring and some find it clarifying, sometimes in ways that end the engagement. Counselling may help you understand your concerns and make a more informed decision; it cannot give certainty.
You do not have to bring your fiancé or involve either family. A first individual session is an assessment of your situation: whether what you feel is wedding anxiety, a concern about the relationship or pressure from family, whether you are free to make this decision, and what a safe, realistic next step would be. I do not decide for you; the aim is a decision that is better informed and yours. Joint sessions can be considered if you both agree and the individual assessment suggests that is safe and appropriate; where coercive control is suspected, individual assessment comes first.
Unsure whether to go ahead? Start with an individual assessment
An individual consultation with Dr. Prerna Kohli can help you assess wedding anxiety, relationship concerns and family pressure, and plan realistic next steps. Joint sessions can be considered when appropriate and safe. Online or in person.
Message on WhatsApp Book a SessionIs it normal to have doubts before an arranged marriage?
Yes. Doubts arise in arranged and love marriages alike, particularly when partners have had limited time to understand each other's expectations and values, and in an arranged match you are also meeting a family you barely know. In one US study, doubts before marriage were common and went with lower marital satisfaction later. The question is not whether you have doubts but what they are about: some are about the change, some are about the person, and it is worth finding out which.
How late is too late to call it off?
It is not too late to ask the question before the wedding, and in my experience ending a marriage later usually costs more, in money, time and family upheaval. An engagement ended a week before the ceremony is expensive and painful. A marriage ended after two years involves lawyers, families and sometimes a child. Even close to the wedding, serious concerns deserve attention, and the practical and emotional consequences are worth assessing rather than assuming.
What if I'm the man and it's me who has doubts?
Then the same distinction applies, and you may find it harder to say so, because men in India are expected to be sure. In one US study, 47% of husbands reported premarital doubts, so you are far from alone. Write the doubt down, test it against time rather than reassurance, and, where that is safe, say it to your fiancée plainly before anyone's parents are involved. Ending an engagement respectfully may avoid some of the complications of an unwanted marriage, though family reactions cannot be predicted.
Can I just postpone instead of ending it?
Often that is the right first step. Moving the date, with a reason that is true and names nobody, can give a couple with nerves time and a couple with doubts room to see more clearly. Say it as a decision, not a negotiation, and use the time: unhurried ordinary contact, honest conversation, and if possible premarital counselling. Some engagements end during a postponement; others go ahead, ideally with the doubt answered rather than buried.
How do I tell my parents without them forcing me to continue?
Lead with the decision rather than the doubt, because a doubt is something parents will argue with and a decision is something they have to absorb. Give a reason you can live with them repeating, expect their first reaction to be about themselves, and let the shock pass before discussing anything practical. Then hold the decision, warmly and consistently, through the pressure that follows. Reactions vary: some parents adjust, and some keep reopening a hesitation. If the pressure turns into threats or harassment, seek support.
The other family has spent a lot of money. Do we owe them?
Gifts, jewellery and money spent by either family can raise legal questions about what must be returned, so take advice from a lawyer before deciding; that is outside a psychologist's remit. Where both sides are willing, a fair and generous conversation between the families often helps, but I cannot predict how any family will respond.
What will people say?
Probably quite a lot at first, and how long it lasts varies between families and communities. In my experience broken engagements are more common than the silence around them suggests, though I know of no Indian figures. Comments tend to reflect the story people carry about what a broken match means, and arguing rarely helps; a short, calm answer usually does better. A marriage you have serious doubts about lasts longer than gossip does.
I'm worried there won't be another match. Is that a reason to go ahead?
Not by itself. The fear is real, and age, family pressure and finances can be genuine practical constraints, but uncertainty about a future match does not show that this engagement is right for you. In my experience it is a common reason people stay in engagements they doubt. If it is the main thing holding you in, say it aloud to someone who isn't a relative, because it tends to lose some of its power once it is spoken and examined.
Should we do premarital counselling before deciding?
Often it can help. Concerns about compatibility, honesty, money, in-laws, children and how you handle conflict may benefit from assessment, and I would usually begin with an individual session so you can think without your partner or family in the room. If you have experienced threats, intimidation or coercive control, individual safety assessment should come before any joint counselling.
What if my partner wants to go ahead and I don't?
Then you have to say so, plainly and soon, and accept that they will be hurt. A partner who responds to your doubt with reassurance, patience and a willingness to postpone is giving you good information. A partner who responds with anger, pressure or a campaign through the families is also giving you information, of a different kind. Either way, continuing only to avoid disappointing someone may leave important concerns unresolved. If you fear their reaction, plan how and when you tell them with support.
Related reading
Related pages people read alongside this one:
- Cold feet before marriage: normal nerves or a warning sign?, on telling the two apart.
- Premarital counselling for arranged marriages, on what the conversations cover.
- Premarital counselling when your partner won't come, if you are the only one with doubts.
- In-law interference in an Indian marriage, if the doubt is about the family.
- Counselling with Dr. Kohli, including premarital sessions.
- What to expect in your first session, if you've never seen a psychologist before.