Attachment Styles › How to Know Your Style
How to Recognise Your Own Attachment Style
By Dr. Prerna Kohli, PhD & M.Phil · Clinical Psychologist, Gurugram | Published July 2026 · Last reviewed July 2026
The short answer
You can usually recognise your attachment style from how you behave in close relationships — especially under stress. Ask yourself two questions: Do I fear being abandoned and seek reassurance? (that leans anxious) and Do I feel crowded by closeness and pull away? (that leans avoidant). If you answer no to both and feel largely comfortable with intimacy and independence, you likely lean secure. If you answer yes to both — craving closeness and fearing it — you may be fearful-avoidant. Below are the tells of each, and a self-reflection guide to help you look more closely.
People often arrive at attachment theory with a specific hope: to finally understand why they keep doing the same thing in relationships. Recognising your style is the first, and often the most relieving, step — not because a label fixes anything, but because you cannot change a pattern you cannot see. Let me help you see yours.
PK
Written by Dr. Prerna Kohli, PhD & M.PhilClinical Psychologist · 30+ years with individuals and couples
- PhD & M.Phil in Clinical Psychology, Aligarh Muslim University — four-time gold medallist
- Awarded the 100 Women Achievers of India by the President of India (2016)
- In practice since 1994; specialises in relationships, marriage, and NRI mental health
- TEDx speaker and author
Part of my full guide to attachment styles.
4attachment styles — secure, anxious, avoidant, fearful-avoidant
56 / 25 / 19 / 7the rough percentage split across the four styles in adults (secure / avoidant / anxious / fearful-avoidant)
~30–40%attachment's stability across life — whatever you find, your style isn't fixed
Sources: Hazan & Shaver (1987) and adult attachment research; stability estimate (Scientific Reports, 2025). Figures vary by sample and measure; most people lean primarily toward one style.
Recognising your attachment style isn't about putting yourself in a box. It's about finally seeing the pattern that has quietly been steering your relationships — because you cannot change what you cannot see.
— Dr. Prerna Kohli, PhD & M.Phil, Clinical Psychologist
The Two Questions That Reveal Most
Attachment is best understood along two dimensions: anxiety (how much you fear abandonment and seek reassurance) and avoidance (how uncomfortable you are with closeness and dependence). Almost everyone can locate themselves by honestly answering:
- When you feel distance in a relationship, do you turn toward it — seeking contact, reassurance, closeness? That's the anxious direction.
- When closeness deepens, do you turn away — needing space, feeling crowded, pulling back? That's the avoidant direction.
Your answers place you in one of the four styles below. Read them and see which feels most like you under stress — because stress, not your best day, is when your attachment style shows.
You may be securely attached if…
You're mostly comfortable with closeness and with independence, trust without constant checking, say what you need directly, and get through conflict without fearing the relationship will end. Low anxiety, low avoidance.
Read: Secure attachment →
You may be anxiously attached if…
You fear abandonment, need frequent reassurance, read threat into small silences, and tend to pursue or protest when you feel distance. High anxiety, lower avoidance.
Read: Anxious attachment →
You may be avoidantly attached if…
You prize independence, feel crowded when a relationship gets close, minimise your feelings, and pull away when things get intense. Low anxiety, high avoidance.
Read: Avoidant attachment →
You may be fearful-avoidant if…
You crave closeness and fear it at once — reaching for connection, then panicking and withdrawing. Relationships feel like a push-pull. High anxiety and high avoidance, often rooted in early trauma.
Read: Fearful-avoidant attachment →
Composite illustration — not a real client
A short composite, drawn from patterns I see often — not a real client, and not a record of any one person.
A person might spend a whole first session insisting they had "no issues" with relationships — they simply hadn't found the right person, and anyway they preferred their own space. As they described the pattern, though, something clicked for them mid-sentence: every relationship had ended the same way, the moment it got serious, with them feeling suffocated and creating a reason to leave. Naming it — avoidant — wasn't a criticism. It was the first time the repetition made sense. "So it's not that everyone was wrong for me," they said. "It's that closeness itself was the thing I kept escaping." That recognition was where the real work could finally begin.
A Few Honest Cautions
Two things worth holding in mind. First, most people are not a pure type — you may lean primarily one way and show flashes of another, especially under different kinds of stress or with different partners. Second, a quick self-check is a starting point, not a diagnosis. If you want a fuller, more accurate picture — one that accounts for your actual history rather than a paragraph that sounds like you — a psychologist can help you map it properly, and then do something with it.
Key takeaways
- Your attachment style shows most clearly under stress, not on your best day.
- Two questions reveal most: do you turn toward closeness (anxious) or away from it (avoidant)?
- Secure = low on both; fearful-avoidant = high on both.
- Most people lean primarily toward one style, with shades of another.
- A self-check is a start, not a diagnosis — and whatever you find, your style isn't fixed.
Want a clearer, more personal picture? I help people map their attachment pattern in the context of their real history — and then build toward security. In-clinic in Gurugram and online across India and worldwide.
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Frequently Asked Questions
How do I know my attachment style?
Look at how you behave in close relationships under stress. If you fear abandonment and seek reassurance, you lean anxious; if closeness makes you want space, you lean avoidant; if you're comfortable with both, you lean secure; if you crave closeness and fear it at once, you may be fearful-avoidant. The style guides above and the reflection tool will help you place yourself.
Can I have more than one attachment style?
Most people lean primarily toward one style but show shades of another, and your pattern can look slightly different with different partners or kinds of stress. You might, for instance, be mostly secure but become anxious with an avoidant partner. Think of it as a lean, not a fixed box.
Is an online attachment style quiz accurate?
A good self-reflection tool can point you in the right direction and is a useful starting point. But it isn't a clinical diagnosis — it can't account for your full history or the nuances of your relationships. Treat it as a prompt for insight, and see a psychologist if you want a fuller, more accurate picture.
Which attachment style is most common?
Secure is the most common — roughly 56% of adults. Of the insecure styles, avoidant (~25%) and anxious (~19%) are next, and fearful-avoidant (~7%) is the least common. These figures vary by study and measure, but the broad pattern is consistent.
Can my attachment style change over time?
Yes. Attachment is only moderately stable across life, so your style can shift with significant relationships, life experiences, and therapy. Many people move from an insecure style toward "earned secure attachment." Whatever you recognise in yourself now is a starting point, not a fixed destiny.
What if I recognise myself in more than one style?
That's common and normal. You might lean one way overall but see yourself in another under certain conditions. If the two you recognise are anxious and avoidant together — craving closeness and fearing it — that combination is itself a style: fearful-avoidant. Reading each style guide can help you find your primary pattern.
Does my partner's attachment style matter too?
Very much. Attachment plays out between two people, and certain combinations (like anxious with avoidant) create predictable dynamics. Understanding both your styles often explains a relationship's recurring conflicts better than either style alone. Knowing yours is the first step; understanding the pair is the next.
Is knowing my attachment style actually useful?
Yes — because you can't change a pattern you can't see. Recognising your style explains your recurring relationship experiences, reduces self-blame, and points to exactly what to work on. It's the map that makes the rest of the work possible.
Should I see a psychologist to understand my attachment style?
You don't need to, to get a useful starting picture. But if you want an accurate, personalised understanding — one grounded in your real history — or if a painful pattern keeps repeating, a psychologist can map it properly and help you build toward security. That's often where self-recognition turns into real change.
I had a happy childhood — why do I still have an insecure style?
Attachment forms from subtle, repeated emotional experiences, not just from whether a childhood was "good" or "bad" overall. A loving home can still have moments of inconsistency, high pressure, or discouraged emotional expression that shaped your pattern — often through no one's fault. And later experiences, like relationships or losses, can shift attachment too. An insecure lean doesn't mean your childhood was unhappy or that anyone failed you.
PK
Dr. Prerna Kohli, PhD & M.Phil
Clinical Psychologist · 30+ years in practice · Gurugram
Dr. Kohli holds a PhD & M.Phil in Clinical Psychology from Aligarh Muslim University, where she was a four-time gold medallist, and received the
100 Women Achievers of India award from the President of India (2016). She has practised since 1994, working with individuals, couples, and families in-clinic in Gurugram and online worldwide, with a particular speciality in relationships and NRI mental health.
Read full profile →
