Empathy is the ability to understand and share what another person is feeling — and, encouragingly, it is a skill you can build, not a fixed trait you are simply born with or without. You become more empathetic by learning to listen without rushing to reply, staying curious about other people’s perspectives, noticing what they feel, and practising it on purpose. The seven habits below are where to start.
“I’m just not a very empathetic person.” I hear some version of this often — from partners who have been told they are cold, from parents worried they can’t reach a teenager, from capable professionals who sense they are missing something at work. Almost always, it isn’t true in the way they fear. Empathy is not a personality you are stuck with. It is a set of habits of attention, and like any habit, it grows stronger the more deliberately you use it.
It helps to know there are really three kinds of empathy working together. Cognitive empathy is understanding what someone else thinks and feels. Emotional empathy is feeling something of it alongside them. And compassionate empathy is being moved to actually help. Most of us are stronger in one than the others — and each one can be developed.
Can you really learn to be more empathetic?
Yes. This is the part people find hardest to believe, so it is worth saying plainly: empathy is trainable at any age. It is not about “faking it till you make it” — you cannot fake genuine understanding, and pretending usually reads as hollow. What you can do is practise the behaviours that produce understanding: slowing down, paying closer attention, checking your assumptions. Do that consistently and the feeling follows the action, not the other way around. In my practice I have watched people who were certain they “weren’t empathetic” become noticeably more attuned within weeks, simply by changing how they listen.
Seven ways to be more empathetic
1. Listen to understand, not to reply
Most of us listen with half our attention while the other half rehearses our response. Empathy begins the moment you stop doing that. Give the person your full attention, let them finish, and resist the urge to fix, advise, or one-up with your own story. The goal is simply to understand what it is like to be them right now — before you say anything at all.
2. Get genuinely curious about the other person
When someone reacts in a way you don’t understand, the empathetic move is not to judge it but to get curious about it: what might they be seeing that I’m not? Assume you are missing context, because you usually are. A sincere question — “what was that like for you?” — opens more understanding than any assumption.
3. Notice what isn’t said
A great deal of how people feel lives in tone, pace, posture, and expression rather than words. Someone may say “I’m fine” while everything about how they say it tells you otherwise. Learning to read those quieter signals — and gently checking them (“you seem a little low, am I right?”) — is one of the fastest ways to become more attuned.
4. Name and validate feelings
You do not have to agree with someone to acknowledge how they feel. “That sounds really hard” or “I can see why you’d be upset” costs nothing and changes everything — it tells the other person they have been heard. Validation is not the same as approval; it is simply recognising that a feeling is real for the person having it.
5. Stay open — let go of the need to be right
Rigidity shuts empathy down; openness lets you meet people where they are. If your first instinct in a disagreement is to defend your position, you have stopped listening. Empathy asks you to hold your own view a little more loosely and make room for another’s — not to abandon what you think, but to genuinely consider that both things can be true at once.
6. Widen your world
Empathy grows with exposure to lives unlike your own. Read fiction and memoir, listen to stories from people whose circumstances differ from yours, resist the pull to surround yourself only with those who already see things your way. The more human experiences you have imaginatively stepped into, the more readily you recognise them in the people around you.
7. Be kind to yourself first
This one surprises people, but it matters most. It is very hard to extend patience and understanding to others when you offer yourself none. Harsh self-judgement leaves little room for anyone else’s struggle. Practising self-compassion — treating your own mistakes the way you would a friend’s — is what gives you the inner steadiness to stay open to others.
Empathy is a practice, not a personality test you either pass or fail. Every time you choose to listen and understand rather than judge, you strengthen it — and it shows, at home and at work alike.
If you would like to build emotional skills like empathy and communication — for yourself or your relationships — support is here whenever you need it.
You may also find it helpful to read about healthy communication in relationships, how to be a better listener, the everyday habits that keep a marriage healthy, and how a pet helps a child build empathy.
About Dr. Prerna Kohli
Dr. Prerna Kohli is a clinical psychologist with more than three decades of experience in private practice in Gurgaon. She holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology and works with individuals, couples, and families across India and the Indian diaspora. She was honoured with the 100 Women Achievers of India award (2016) by the President of India, and writes and speaks widely on emotional wellbeing and relationships.