Co-Parenting With a Narcissist: Protecting Your Children After Separation
Parallel parenting rather than co-parenting, communication that removes ammunition, how children get recruited and how to respond without recruiting them back, and when a child needs a therapist of their own.
How do you co-parent with a narcissist?
Co-parenting with a narcissist usually works better when you stop expecting cooperation and move towards parallel parenting: separate households with clear rules, written communication about logistics, no negotiation in front of the children, and a steady presence that outlasts the conflict. Set it up within your custody terms, and where there is abuse or a risk to a child, take safety and legal advice first. The goal is not a good relationship with your ex. It is a child with at least one stable home, and a parent alert to anything worrying in either.
Parents ask me how to make a narcissist co-operate for the children's sake. In my experience, they usually can't. What they can do is become the parent the children can rely on, and that does more than most parents expect.Dr. Prerna Kohli
The divorce is over, or nearly, and you had imagined that the worst was behind you. Instead the arguments have moved from the marriage to the handover, the school gate and the phone. Your child comes back from the other house with new opinions, a new phone, and questions about money that no eight-year-old thinks of alone. Every message about a pickup time becomes a referendum on your character.
This is co-parenting with a person who has strong narcissistic traits, and much of the standard advice does not fit it, because the standard advice assumes two adults acting in good faith. This article sets out what I find works instead: a different model of parenting across two homes, a different way of communicating, a way to respond when the children are drawn in, and the point at which a child needs help of their own. Traits are not a diagnosis, and nobody can be diagnosed at a distance; go by the behaviour in front of you.
Why co-parenting with a narcissist so often fails
Co-parenting, as the books describe it, is a partnership: two parents who no longer live together but still make decisions jointly, present a united front and speak well of each other to the children. It is a good model, and it needs two people willing to use it. A parent with strong narcissistic traits often cannot use it, because joint decisions become opportunities for control and the united front becomes a performance, broken when it suits them.
Parents who keep trying to co-parent with a narcissist describe the same cycle. They propose something reasonable, it is agreed, and then it is undone, renegotiated or used against them. They arrive at handovers braced for a scene. They spend hours composing messages that will not be read in good faith. And the children, who can feel all of it, learn that the two households are at war and that they are the territory. The alternative is not to give up on parenting together. It is to parent in parallel.
Parallel parenting: the model that can work
Parallel parenting means each parent runs their own household by their own rules, with as little joint decision-making as the law and the children's needs allow. It gives up on the ideal of a united front in exchange for something the children need more: predictability in at least one home. It is an arrangement to set up within your custody terms, with your lawyer's advice, and it assumes the children are safe in both homes; where there are threats or a risk to a child, safety and legal protection come before any parenting model.
- Separate the households completely. Your rules in your house, theirs in theirs. Bedtimes, screens, food and homework are not negotiated across the two homes. In my experience children adapt to two predictable sets of rules more easily than to one set that is constantly fought over.
- Reduce joint decisions to the legal minimum. Schooling, medical care and the big matters as the custody arrangement requires; everything else decided by whichever parent has the children at the time. Your lawyer can tell you where the line falls in your arrangement.
- Communicate in writing, about logistics, briefly. Dates, times, places, health information. No commentary, no history, no questions about their choices. A message that cannot be quoted against you is a message you can send.
- Make handovers boring. A neutral place, a fixed time, the minimum of conversation, and the children handed over rather than delivered with a speech. If handovers are a battleground, ask your lawyer about moving the exchange to school, a neutral place or a third person, including supervised arrangements where there are safety concerns; don't change an ordered arrangement on your own.
- Never negotiate in front of the children. Not the schedule, not the money, not the past. If the other parent starts, end the conversation and take it to writing later.
- Keep a record. Dates, incidents, what was said and what was agreed. Not for the children to see, and not to build a case, necessarily. For your own memory, which the campaign will try to rewrite, and for your lawyer if it is ever needed.
What the research says about children and conflict
Sources: Hetherington and Kelly, For Better or For Worse (2002), reporting the Virginia Longitudinal Study; Amato, Journal of Family Psychology (2001), a meta-analysis of 67 studies, with the proportion of significant effects as reported by Lansford (2009). All are American studies; they are used here for the direction of the findings, that continuing parental conflict is a serious risk to children, not as rates for Indian families or as proof of any parenting model.
When the children are recruited
This is the part parents fear most, and I see it in many of these divorces. The children come back with opinions they did not have before, delivered in adult language. They ask about money, lawyers and who is to blame. They are given gifts that make your house look mean, secrets to keep, and messages to carry. Sometimes they are told plainly that you are the reason the family broke.
The instinct is to fight the campaign point by point, and in my experience it is the wrong instinct. A child who is told two competing stories learns that both parents need something from them, and they withdraw from both or side with the louder one. What protects a child is one parent who does not recruit. That means not criticising the other parent, not interrogating the child about the other house, not explaining your side of the divorce, and not reacting to the messages your child has been sent to deliver. It does not mean going silent: stay open to whatever your child wants to tell you, gently correct anything false that frightens them or blames them, and treat anything they say about being hurt or unsafe as a disclosure to act on, never a message to ignore. It feels like losing. Over years, in my experience, it is often how a recruited child finds their way back, because a child returns more easily to a parent who did not ask them to choose. Nobody can promise that, which is why the steadiness has to be for its own sake.
Watch the signs, not the words. Sudden hostility after visits, anxiety about pleasing the other parent, refusal to talk about the other house, or a new role as messenger: these are signs of a child under strain, not proof of what is causing it. Fear, ordinary adjustment or something happening at the other house can look the same. The action is to stay steady, listen, and if the signs persist, have the child assessed by a psychologist of their own rather than confronting the other parent.
The spy who came home
A father came to me because his ten-year-old had started asking, after every weekend with her mother, how much his flat cost and whether he had a girlfriend. She reported his answers back. She had also begun to refuse to eat his cooking, having been told it was why she was small. He wanted to know how to make his ex-wife stop.
He couldn't, and the work was about that. He stopped answering the questions with anything but a smile and a change of subject. He stopped asking about the other house. He made his home boring, predictable and warm, and let the reports go back unanswered. It took the better part of a year, with no guarantee it would end this way. His daughter, at eleven, asked him one evening why he never said anything bad about her mother, and he said, because she's your mother. She hasn't reported on him since.
Composite illustration; not a real client.
Protecting yourself
Parallel parenting protects the children. It doesn't, by itself, protect you, and a parent who is worn down cannot be the steady one. The campaign continues after the divorce, sometimes for years, and the contact points, handovers, school events, medical decisions, are where it happens. Three things help. Decide what hours routine messages get, and don't read them outside those hours; agree with your lawyer what counts as urgent, because a child's health or safety, and anything a court requires you to answer, are not messages that wait. Have one person who knows the whole story and can tell you when you are reacting rather than parenting. And keep a life that has nothing to do with the divorce, because the narcissist's aim is to make it the centre of yours.
If the other parent's behaviour includes threats, physical harm, or anything that puts a child at risk, that is not a co-parenting problem and the approach here is not enough. Contact your local emergency services if there is immediate danger, and take advice from your lawyer on custody and protection. If your child has become withdrawn, hopeless or has spoken of not wanting to live, seek professional help for them immediately, and treat any talk of not wanting to live as an emergency.
When a child needs help of their own
In my experience many children of high-conflict divorces do not need ongoing therapy; they need one stable parent and time. Whether yours does is a question about your child, not a statistic, which is what an assessment is for. Some do need help, and the signs are the ones any parent would notice if they were not exhausted: a change in sleep or appetite that lasts, withdrawal from friends, a drop at school that does not recover, anger that seems to come from nowhere, or a child who has become the family's diplomat and can no longer say what they want. A psychologist for the child gives them one adult who needs nothing from them, which is often the thing neither home can currently provide. The parental counselling page explains how that is arranged.
How counselling helps parents
Parents in this situation come to me for two things: to learn the discipline of not reacting, which is a skill and can be practised, and to work out how to be the steady parent while the other one campaigns. Sessions are individual. The other parent does not attend these sessions, and the aim is not to change them. Where the children need their own support, that can be arranged separately, beginning with an assessment and with any consent or custody questions clarified first, and the parent's involvement kept to what the child needs rather than what the divorce needs.
Be the parent your child can rely on
Confidential individual sessions with Dr. Prerna Kohli, online from anywhere in the world or in person. Support for parents, and separately for children who need it.
Message on WhatsApp Book a SessionWhat is the difference between co-parenting and parallel parenting?
Co-parenting is a partnership: joint decisions, a united front and open communication between two parents acting in good faith. Parallel parenting gives that up in exchange for predictability: each parent runs their own household by their own rules, joint decisions are reduced to what the law requires, and communication is written, brief and about logistics only. In my experience it is the better model when one parent uses cooperation as a weapon. Where there is abuse or a safety risk, take legal and safety advice before settling on any model.
Is it wrong to stop communicating with my ex?
You are not stopping communication; you are limiting it to what the children need. Dates, times, places, health information, school matters, in writing. Everything else, the commentary, the history, the accusations, is optional, and with a narcissist it is fuel. Children do not need their parents to be friends. They need them to hand over on time and not fight at the door. Brief written communication achieves that better than any phone call.
The other parent buys the children everything. How do I compete?
You don't, because the competition is the point and you will lose it. Gifts, trips and relaxed rules can be a way of buying the children's loyalty and making your home look mean, though two homes also simply differ, and presents alone prove nothing. In my experience many children see through a campaign of gifts in time, especially when your home is warm and predictable. Keep your rules, explain them calmly when asked, and never criticise the gifts. Steadiness is what children remember; presents are what they forget.
My child repeats things my ex has said about me. Should I correct them?
Briefly, once, without emotion, and then stop. "That's not true, and you don't have to worry about it" is enough. If what they repeat frightens them or blames them for the divorce, take more time with it; and if they describe being hurt, that is a disclosure to act on, not a message to deflect. Explaining your side of the divorce to a child, whatever the justification, teaches them that both parents need something from them. What protects a recruited child is one parent who does not recruit. It feels like losing for a long time, and in my experience it is usually the better route back, because a child returns more easily to a parent who never asked them to choose.
What if my child says the other parent hurt them?
Take it seriously every time. A child disclosing harm is not the same as a child carrying adult messages, and treating a disclosure as manipulation is the one mistake this situation does not forgive. Stay calm, listen without leading questions, don't promise secrecy, and get advice promptly: a doctor where there may be injury, your lawyer about protection and the arrangement, and a child psychologist for assessment. If there is immediate danger, contact your local emergency services. Staying neutral about the other parent never requires ignoring a child's safety.
Should I tell the children their other parent is a narcissist?
No. A child cannot do anything with that information except carry it, and it will be used against you the moment it is repeated at the other house. What children need is a way to understand the behaviour they see, and you can give them that without labels: "Sometimes Papa gets very angry and says hurtful things; that's not your fault." As they grow up, they will draw their own conclusions from what each parent did over the years.
Handovers are a battleground. What can I do?
Make them boring. A neutral place, a fixed time, the minimum of conversation, and the children handed over rather than delivered with a speech. If the other parent uses handovers to start arguments, move the exchange to school, so that the children go from one parent to the other through a classroom rather than a car park, or involve a third person. Anything the other parent says at a handover is answered later, in writing, if it needs answering at all.
How do I know if my child needs a therapist?
Look for changes that last: sleep or appetite, withdrawal from friends, a drop at school that does not recover, anger from nowhere, or a child who has become the family's diplomat and cannot say what they want. Many children of high-conflict divorces need one stable parent and time rather than ongoing therapy, but some need an adult who wants nothing from them, and that is what a psychologist provides. If you are asking the question, an assessment session is the place to start; it may settle it, or it may show that more help is needed.
What if the other parent won't follow the custody arrangement?
That is a legal matter, and your lawyer is the person to ask about enforcement and what your options are. Psychologically, repeated refusal is often control, and the response is the same as to every other tactic: record it, don't plead, don't retaliate, and don't let the children see you fight about it. Children who watch one parent break agreements and the other stay steady tend to learn who to rely on, even if it takes years for them to say so.
Will it ever get easier?
Yes, in two ways. In my experience the campaign often loses intensity when it stops producing reactions, though some escalate first; if it turns into threats or harassment, that is a matter for your lawyer, not for patience. And children grow up: a recruited eight-year-old becomes a fifteen-year-old who can often see the pattern for themselves, especially where one parent never asked them to take sides. Some parents who held the line describe the teenage years as the point at which their children came back, and told them why. Nobody can promise it.
What does counselling for the parent involve?
Individual sessions, without the other parent, that do two things: build the discipline of not reacting, which is a skill and can be practised, and help you be the steady parent while the other one campaigns. They also work on your own recovery from the marriage, because a worn-down parent cannot be the steady one. Where a child needs their own support, that is arranged separately, with your involvement kept to what the child needs.
Related reading
Related pages people read alongside this one:
- Divorcing a narcissist in India, for the process this follows.
- Narcissistic abuse counselling in India, the hub for this cluster and how sessions work.
- Parental counselling, on support for parents and for children who need it.
- How parents' anger affects children, on what children carry away from adult anger.
- Divorce counselling, on getting through the process with your health intact.
- What to expect in your first session, if you've never seen a psychologist before.