Grief is the natural response to losing someone or something that mattered to you — and there is no single right way, or right timetable, to do it. It can bring a bewildering mix of emotions (sadness, anger, guilt, numbness, even relief) and physical effects on sleep, appetite and concentration. Contrary to the popular idea of neat "stages," grief doesn't move in an orderly line; it comes in waves, easing and returning on its own schedule, and you're not doing it wrong if it doesn't follow a script. Gentle, healthy ways to cope include letting yourself feel, talking about the loss, keeping a light routine, looking after your body, leaning on others rather than isolating, and not numbing the pain with alcohol or substances. If grief becomes prolonged, stuck and disabling, professional support genuinely helps — and there's no shame in seeking it.
Losing someone or something you love is among the hardest of all human experiences. Grief can feel overwhelming, isolating and strange — and one of the kindest things you can do for yourself is to understand that whatever you're feeling, however messy or unexpected, is a normal response to loss. There is no neat formula for grieving, but there are gentler ways to carry it.
Grief isn't only for death. While the loss of a loved one is often the most intense, grief is the natural response to any significant loss — the end of a marriage or relationship, a miscarriage, the death of a beloved pet, the loss of a home, a job, a way of life, or the health you once had. If it mattered to you, it's valid to grieve it, and you don't need anyone's permission to feel the loss.
What grief can feel like
Grief is rarely just sadness. It's an amalgamation of emotions, often contradictory and arriving in no particular order: shock and disbelief, deep sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, loneliness — and sometimes, especially after a long illness, relief, which can itself stir guilt. It affects the body too: disturbed sleep, changes in appetite, exhaustion, and difficulty concentrating or thinking clearly are all common. None of this means something is wrong with you. It means you have lost something that mattered.
The "stages of grief" — what they get right, and wrong
You've likely heard of the "five stages of grief" — denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This famous framework, proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, gave people valuable language for loss and helped reduce the stigma around grieving openly. But it's widely misunderstood, and the misunderstanding can be harmful.
Kübler-Ross originally described these stages in dying patients, not the bereaved, and they were meant to be descriptive, not a checklist to complete. Modern grief research is clear that grief does not reliably move through neat, sequential stages. Instead, it tends to come in waves — oscillating between confronting the pain of the loss and gradually rebuilding life around it (a view captured by Stroebe and Schut's dual-process model of grieving) (Buglass, Understanding grief and bereavement, 2010). Not everyone feels every "stage," and almost no one moves through them in order. Kübler-Ross herself later clarified that the stages "are not stops on some linear timeline."
Why this matters: when people expect grief to follow tidy stages, they often feel they're grieving "wrong" — that they're stuck, or broken, for not reaching "acceptance" on schedule. You're not. Grief is individual and non-linear. Some days the loss recedes; others it returns with full force, sometimes years later, triggered by an anniversary or a song. That ebb and flow isn't a failure to cope — it is coping.
Healthy ways to cope with loss
Let yourself feel
Allow the sadness, the tears, the anger — don't rush to suppress them or "stay strong." Feeling the pain is a healthy part of grieving, and expressing it, rather than bottling it up, is part of how it eases over time.
Talk about the loss
Putting the loss into words — with a trusted friend, family member, or counsellor — soothes the pain and helps the healing process. Sharing memories and speaking the person's name openly, rather than avoiding the subject, often brings comfort.
Keep a gentle routine
Maintaining some structure — simple things like regular meals, a daily walk, small tasks — helps keep you functional and gives the days shape when everything feels unmoored. Returning gradually to activities that once brought you comfort can help, when you're ready.
Look after your body
Grief is physically draining. Try to protect your sleep, eat reasonably, and move your body — the mind and body are connected, and tending to your physical health gives you more strength to cope emotionally. If sleep is badly disrupted for a long stretch, it's worth seeking help.
Lean on others — don't isolate
Grief can be intensely lonely, and the instinct to withdraw is strong — but isolation tends to deepen the pain. Stay connected to the people who care about you, and let them support you. You don't have to carry this alone.
Don't numb the pain
It's tempting to dull grief with alcohol or other substances, but they only mask it momentarily — the pain returns, often sharper, and the habit can quietly grow into a problem of its own. There are no shortcuts through grief; gentler coping serves you far better in the long run.
Grief, depression, and when to seek help
Grief and depression share many features — sadness, sleeplessness, low energy — but they're not the same. Grief tends to come in waves, with good days woven among the hard ones, and is bound up with the specific loss. For some people, though, grief becomes prolonged — stuck, all-consuming, taking over every part of life so that they can't begin to function or look toward the future. Sometimes a clinical depression develops alongside the loss. These are real and treatable, and they deserve support rather than being endured alone.
There's no need to rush to counselling in the first raw days, and many people find their own way through with time and the support of loved ones. But if, after some months, the grief remains as crushing as the first day, if it's stopping you functioning, or if you notice signs of depression or anxiety taking hold, please consider professional help — a consultation with Dr. Kohli offers warm, confidential grief support. And if your grief ever brings feelings that you can't go on, or thoughts of harming yourself, please treat that as urgent and reach out straight away to a crisis line in your area or your local emergency services. Those feelings are a sign of how much pain you're carrying — and a sign to let someone help you carry it.
Key takeaways
- Grief is the natural response to any significant loss — not only death — and there's no right way or timetable to grieve.
- It brings a wide, often contradictory range of emotions, plus real physical effects — all normal.
- Grief doesn't move through neat "stages"; it comes in waves, and you're not grieving "wrong" if it doesn't follow a script.
- Gentle coping: let yourself feel, talk about it, keep a light routine, look after your body, lean on others, don't numb the pain.
- If grief becomes prolonged, stuck or disabling — or brings thoughts of not going on — reach out for support; it genuinely helps.
Frequently asked questions
How long does grief last?
There's no set timetable, and anyone who gives you one is mistaken. Grief is deeply individual — some people begin to feel steadier in weeks or months, for others it's measured in years, and waves of grief can return long after, especially around anniversaries. What tends to happen over time isn't that the grief vanishes, but that its grip gradually loosens and the good days become more frequent. Be patient and gentle with yourself.
Is it true that grief has five stages?
Not in the way most people think. The "five stages" gave us useful language, but they were originally about dying patients, not the bereaved, and were never meant as a fixed sequence to complete. Modern research shows grief doesn't move through orderly stages — it comes in waves, oscillating between confronting the loss and rebuilding life. Not everyone feels every "stage," and almost no one experiences them in order. If your grief doesn't follow the script, you're not doing it wrong.
What's the difference between grief and depression?
They overlap — both involve sadness, low energy and disturbed sleep — but differ in important ways. Grief tends to come in waves, with good moments among the hard ones, and is centred on the specific loss. Depression is more pervasive and persistent, often with a global sense of worthlessness or hopelessness. Sometimes depression develops alongside grief. If low mood is constant and disabling rather than ebbing and flowing, it's worth speaking to a professional.
When should I seek professional help for grief?
There's no rush in the early days, and many people heal with time and support. Consider professional help if, after some months, the grief remains as overwhelming as at the start, if it's stopping you functioning in daily life, if you're isolating or turning to alcohol or substances to cope, or if you notice signs of depression. And if grief ever brings thoughts of not wanting to go on, treat that as urgent and seek help straight away. Reaching out is a strength, not a weakness.
If you're carrying a loss that feels too heavy to bear alone, you don't have to. Dr. Prerna Kohli offers warm, confidential grief support, in person in Gurugram and online across India and for NRIs worldwide.
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About the author
Dr. Prerna Kohli
Dr. Prerna Kohli is a clinical psychologist with over 30 years of practice, based in Gurugram. She holds a PhD from Aligarh Muslim University, where she was a four-time gold medallist, and received the "100 Women Achievers of India" award from the President of India in 2016. A TEDx speaker and published author, she works with individuals, couples, and families through her private practice — in clinic in Gurugram and online worldwide — with a particular speciality in NRI mental health.