Grief & Bereavement
Nobody Is Going to Ask You to Stop Missing Them.
What actually happens in grief counselling, what the first session is like, and what this work will never ask of you.
Grief counselling starts with you telling the whole account, uninterrupted. From there the work addresses what has become stuck: guilt, anger, a funeral you missed, relief you can't admit to. It does not ask you to move on, follow stages, or stop talking about the person who died.
"The commonest thing people say in a first grief session is that they have not told anyone the whole of it. Not because nobody asked, but because everyone who asked wanted to comfort them halfway through."
People sit down and apologise before they have said anything. For crying, for taking up the hour, for still being like this after so long.
What they have usually not done, in all the months since, is tell anybody the entire thing. Their mother stops them because it upsets her. Their friends look stricken. Their children must be protected. So the account comes out in fragments, to different people, and never once from start to finish.
The first session
Largely you talking, for as long as it takes.
I ask what happened. Not the summary you have refined for relatives, but the real sequence: the phone call, the hospital, what you were doing when you found out, what the days afterwards were like. People often stop partway and say this is too much detail. It isn't. The detail is where the difficulty lives.
Nobody interrupts to reassure you. That is the main structural difference between this and every other conversation you have had about the death, and it is why people frequently leave the first session lighter than they expected.
- No forms of grief are ranked. A parent, a spouse, a child, a friend, a pregnancy, a colleague. Nobody assesses whether your loss qualifies.
- No timeline is applied. Three weeks or eleven years, both are ordinary reasons to be here.
- You control the pace. If something is not sayable yet, we leave it. It will come when it is ready.
- Tears are not a problem to be solved. You will not be handed tissues in a way that means please stop.
What the work addresses after that
Grief itself does not need treating. What needs attention is whatever has jammed.
Guilt
The last conversation, which was about something trivial. The appointment you didn't push for. The visit you postponed. Guilt is grief's most persistent companion and it is almost never proportionate, though telling someone that has never once helped. Examining it properly does.
Anger
At a doctor, at a sibling who did nothing, at the person for dying. Anger inside grief feels forbidden, so it goes underground and comes out at colleagues and children instead.
Relief
After a long illness, or a difficult relationship. Almost nobody says this out loud, and the silence is usually what makes it unbearable rather than the feeling.
Things left unfinished
A funeral missed, rites not performed, an argument never resolved. These can be completed later, differently, and it genuinely helps. Ritual does psychological work whether or not it is done on time.
What the evidence says
Sources: World Health Organization ICD-11 and published prevalence reviews of prolonged grief disorder; Kübler-Ross's original 1969 work on dying patients and subsequent research reviews; National Mental Health Survey of India, NIMHANS.
Four things this work will not do
Worth stating plainly, because these fears keep people away for years.
Ask you to move on
You will not be asked to let go, get closure, or stop talking about them. The aim is a version of the relationship you can carry through the rest of your life.
Put you on a schedule
The five stages were an observation about dying patients, not a route bereaved people are meant to follow, and they have not held up as a sequence. You are not behind.
Make you forget
Nobody suggests removing the photographs or clearing the wardrobe before you want to. Grief work builds room around the loss rather than shrinking it.
Prescribe anything
Grief is not an illness. If low mood becomes something more, that would be assessed properly and discussed with you, rather than assumed at the outset.
Eleven years, and nobody had asked
A man in his fifties came about work stress. Around the fourth session he mentioned, in passing, that his brother had died when they were both young men.
I asked what happened. He gave me four sentences, the version he had clearly given for a decade. I asked him to tell me the actual day.
It took most of an hour. He had never told it whole, because in his family the death had become a subject you moved carefully around. When he finished he said he had not realised he still remembered it that clearly.
The work after that was not complicated. It was mostly that a story which had been sealed for eleven years had finally been spoken to someone who did not need protecting from it.
A composite drawn from several presentations, not a real client. No identifying details belong to any individual.
How many sessions
Genuinely variable, and anyone offering a number before meeting you is guessing.
Some people come for four or five sessions around a specific difficulty and that is enough. Others return each year near the anniversary, which is a sensible way to use this rather than a sign of not coping. A death that reopened older losses usually takes longer, because there is more than one grief in the room.
Sessions run 30, 60 or 75 minutes at the same fee in clinic or online, set out on the consultation page. There are no packages and nothing prepaid.
If grief has brought thoughts of not wanting to be here, or of wanting to be with the person who died, please say so to someone today. If you cannot keep yourself safe, contact your local emergency services or attend your nearest hospital now.
Tell it once, all the way through
Sessions with Dr. Kohli directly, in Gurugram or online worldwide, in English or Hindi.
Book a session WhatsApp +91 9811862338Grief and loss
Start with the hub, or read across the set.
- Grief counselling. The overview.
- What happens in grief counselling (you're here)
- Prolonged grief disorder
- Anticipatory grief
- Grieving far from home
- Coping with grief
- After the death of a spouse
- Empathy and sympathy
Common questions
What happens in the first grief counselling session?
Mostly you talking. I ask what happened and you tell it at whatever length it takes, without being interrupted to be comforted. Many people find this is the first time they have told the whole account start to finish. Nothing is decided in the first hour and you are not committing to anything.
Will I be told to move on?
No. That instruction does more harm than almost anything else said to bereaved people. You will not be asked to let go, get closure, stop talking about them, or put the photographs away. The aim is a relationship with the person that you can carry, not an absence you have learned to ignore.
Do I have to talk about the death straight away?
Only as much as you want to. If part of it is not sayable yet, we leave it and it usually becomes sayable later. Some people spend the first session on the year before the death, or on their family's reaction, rather than on the death itself. That is fine.
What if I cry the whole time?
Then you cry the whole time, and nothing has gone wrong. Tears in a grief session are not a problem being solved, and nobody will hand you tissues in a way that means please stop. A great many people arrive braced to hold themselves together and discover, some way in, that they have stopped trying. That is usually the point at which the session starts being useful rather than the point at which it fails.
Is it normal to feel angry at the person who died?
Very. Anger at the person, at doctors, at relatives who did nothing, at the unfairness of it, comes up constantly. It feels forbidden, which is why it goes underground and surfaces at colleagues and children instead. Saying it in a room where it is permitted usually reduces it considerably.
What if I feel relieved they died?
This is far more common than anyone admits, particularly after a long illness or a difficult relationship. Relief and grief regularly occupy the same person simultaneously. The feeling is not the problem; being unable to say it aloud is what makes it corrosive.
How many sessions will I need?
It varies. Some people come for four or five sessions around a specific difficulty. Others return each year near the anniversary, which is a reasonable way to use this. Where a death has reopened older losses it usually takes longer, because there is more than one grief present.
Is it too late if the death was years ago?
No, and some of the most useful work concerns losses that are decades old. Grief that was never given room, because you were holding a family together or because it was never discussed, tends to wait rather than disappear. It often surfaces at a later bereavement or an anniversary.
What if my family thinks I don't need this?
Common, and not a reason to go without. Attendance is confidential and you are under no obligation to tell anybody, including the people you live with. A good number of clients book online sessions taken from a car, an office, or a room with a door for exactly this reason. Whether your family understands the decision is a separate question from whether you need to make it, and the two are worth keeping apart.
Will I be given medication?
Not by me; as a clinical psychologist I don't prescribe. Grief is also not an illness and does not require medication as a rule. If low mood develops into something that needs medical review, that would be assessed properly and discussed with you rather than assumed.
Can we do this online?
Yes, and it works well. Sessions are held by secure video, scheduled around your time zone, in English or Hindi. Many people speak more openly from their own home, and for anyone abroad it removes the problem of finding a clinician nearby who understands the family context.
Can I bring someone with me?
Yes, where it makes sense. Family sessions after a death can be very useful, particularly where relatives are grieving differently and have started to irritate each other. It can also be worth being seen alone first, so that you have somewhere to say the things you are protecting them from.
Related reading: depression, preparing for your first therapy session, and NRI mental health.
This page is general psychoeducation and not a substitute for individual assessment or treatment. If you are in immediate danger or unable to keep yourself safe, contact your local emergency services or attend your nearest hospital without delay.